The V in Thrive Coaches: Why Change - Specific Values Matter More Than You Think
Updated: Sep 8
This part of the methodology is all about aligning who you are with what you’re changing. And who you are, really, at your core today, cannot be understood without an examination of what you value. Specifically, what you value as a function of the time and energy you dedicate to it, and what you need to value in order for this change to be successful.
Why Values?
You might be tempted to think you've got this one locked down and this exercise can be skipped. You know you have strong values, and you already feel that everything you do is in service to them. Case. Closed. Please bear with me, because we are in fact Because we are in fact pretty complex creatures when it comes to what we value.
We have overlapping, sometimes even contradictory, values and motivations. And when you're in the messy middle of a change, and especially in those moments when you find yourself staring down a tough decision, it is your values that will need to be your guide. Just like we explored with intrinsic motivation, aligning your actions with what actually matters to you makes your journey sustainable, resilient, and way more fulfilling.
But here’s the twist:It’s not about choosing one or two “core values” that define you as a whole. It’s about mapping your values contextually—looking at what gives you a sense of meaning in each distinct area of your life.
What you value in a romantic partner is probably not the same as what you value in your closest friendship. And what energizes you at work likely differs from what matters most in your family life.
example: What I Thought I Valued, and What I Actually Do.
For most of my adult life I would have told you, without hesitation, that being helpful was my core value. I liked people who helped effortlessly and I wanted to be one of them, so early in my career I went looking for helping professions on purpose. I worked as a service coordinator for people with disabilities. I went to grad school to become a teacher. Both made sense on paper. Helping equals values equals a fulfilling career, and I believed the math.
It kept not adding up in practice, and it took me an embarrassingly long time to figure out why. Here's what I eventually understood. In my personal life, helpfulness really is a core value, full stop. I still give time and energy and money toward causes and people I care about without needing to be asked twice, and it feeds something real in me. At work, it turned out to be true but not sufficient. What I actually need professionally is impact, and those are not the same thing. I can work extremely hard, and often have, without producing anything that mattered, because hard work and impact only sometimes overlap. Busywork tied to someone else's pet idea will burn just as many hours as work that changes an outcome, and only one of them leaves me feeling like the day counted.
Value-Add Values-Centering
This is the part most values exercises skip. They ask you to name your values once, as if a single list covers your whole life, and it doesn't. What energizes you at your kitchen table on a Sunday and what energizes you in a Monday morning meeting rarely match. Values are contextual, not universal, and treating them as one fixed list is how people end up confused about why a job that checks every box on paper still manages to leave them feeling unfulfiulled.
So if you're doing this work, don't stop at the first honest answer. Go domain by domain. Ask what actually has to be true in your work life, separately from what has to be true in your closest relationships, separately again from what you need from your own body and health. Then check your calendar and your bank statement against the list, because those two things will tell you the truth faster than your own intentions will. Where the two line up, you'll usually find you're doing fine. Where they don't, that's not a moral failing. It's just information about where you've been optimizing for someone else's values instead of your own, probably without noticing.
Your Turn: What Do You Value?
This is where the rubber meets the road.
Pull out the Life Wheel (Circle Worksheets Below) and take a look at the key domains of your life.
Then, ask yourself:
What drives my sense of purpose in this area?
What values must be honored for me to feel fulfilled?
Where might I be operating under someone else’s values—and how’s that working out?
(Need a spark? Here’s a list of values to get you thinking.)
This is not easy work. It requires going through the stories of your past and seeking evidence for the beliefs you’ve been hanging onto, and being open to a new interpretation,
Then identify the value most central to the change you're working on and let it and it alone be your north star when a tough decision needs an answer.
And remember: if you're exploring a creative change, don’t get distracted by your wellness values. If you’re rethinking your relationships, your work values won’t apply. Stay contextually specific.
Because once you know what really matters in each domain, you’ll have a powerful tool for navigating change—and creating a life that feels like yours.
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