"Good on Paper"

and the subtle ways we proactively resistance change

Do you absolutely HATE change? Maybe an org announcement email at work causes a drop in the pit of your stomach before you even know what it says? Or, the idea of having to take an unexpected trip or some other multi-day disruption to your routines makes you downright angry?

The positive news – you are in good company! We are hard-wired to resist change, and these reactions are typical and instinctive.

Think about it, our primitive ancestors were able to survive when the challenges they encountered were predictable and repetitive. Learning a trusted route, remembering an edible berry, recognizing the signs of a dangerous predator before it recognizes you… these were all life-saving skills and activities. Those individuals that navigated them deftly – often by refusing to change, following the tried and true as long as possible - lived to pass on their genes. And they passed on these very genes that promoted a resistance to change.

Great, you may be thinking, I’ve come by this resistance honestly! But we’re not running around ancient forest floors anymore trying to outwit those above us on the food chain.

The modern world rewards risk takers more than the prehistoric one did! And I would have to agree that this is the key difference between surviving versus thriving.

In certain circumstances, prehistoric and modern, survival is the only goal. Playing it exceedingly safe, putting one’s faith into routines that have proven effective are the best strategies. There is no shame in keeping it safe and easy when you’re working on securing survival.

However, once you’re able to want more than basic survival, then it’s often necessary to challenge the old ways of thinking and acting. The ways that helped you survive are NOT the same one that will help you thrive. And this can be a difficult lesson, because your optimal state can and will shift, grow and change just as you do through the years. So, the life you built for optimal thrive, the one that fit you like a glove just a (relatively) short time ago, may start to chafe and constrict like so much outgrown attire. And, this can be difficult to accept, honestly. It can feel like taking a step backwards - needing to reassess and adjust and make hard changes – when it is in fact a big step forward! 

Just being aware that a change is needed is a huge accomplishment!

It can be really difficult to wade through the many resistance strategies employed by our lizard brain to retain same-ness. We are literally working against much deeply engrained, primitive hard-wiring when we initiate change and venture into the unknown like the BRAVE change rangers that we are ☺ Recognize that working yourself free of distractions, rationalizations and knee-jerk fear responses is something to celebrate. And then take a moment to acknowledge the part of you that feels a sense of disappointment or failure at this moment. It’s a relic of your ancestors that you can take a moment to thank and release. It is simply not needed at this time, but we commend its service that brought forward through the centuries the magical alchemy that is you!

There are a lot of ways we keep ourselves distracted, rationalizing and paralyzed in fear – and we will examine them in this blog in the weeks to come - but today we will focus on one of the classics: Good on Paper.

Most of us are familiar with the phrase, "good on paper" in a dating context. That experience where someone seems to ‘tick all the boxes’ – possessing all the traits and attributes you thought you wanted in a partner – so perfect in abstract, such as when listed out on paper – but lacking in reality.

This phenomenon happens frequently across all other aspects of our lives, as well. Have you ever landed what you were sure was the dream job, only to find yourself dreading going into the office each day? Or, maybe you finally achieved another goal, an athletic or academic dream that left you feeling numb? And then there’s the context that I see show up frequently among my high-achieving clients:

I thought I had it all figured out. I built the perfect life and it really worked for me… once…. But at some point, like a frog in the pot set to slowly start boiling, I stopped loving it and didn’t realize it until I did – suddenly and intensely!

Sound familiar?

By clinging to the narrative we’ve created, for example,

“I love living in LA. I love the weather, it has the best opportunities, and all my friends are here!”

Long after each item has stopped ringing true, and more importantly, true or not, stopped resonating with your deepest held desires, we are denying our internal truth and living in dissonance. Are you familiar with this feeling? You’re angry or anxious without cause. Other people point out times when your body language isn’t aligned to what you’re professing.

“I love it here” but I’m scowling, achy and not excited about the things that used to make ready to head out the door.

No narrative can overwrite what we know in our hearts to be true. When we stop resisting this knowledge, we can investigate. What exactly what isn’t working? Is it just that the job I used to love has become unchallenging and stagnant? Or am I missing something culturally or spiritually?  Getting to the root cause of the dissonance will help to inform how significant the change effort will be. Again, we can get trapped in our narratives and fearfully believe this unrest means that EVERYTHING must change now, but with some exploration and trusted guidance, you may just find that the changes you require less significant. But keep in mind that even small changes can threaten our sense of identity. These threats often then trigger even stronger resistance – something we’ll discuss next week!

So, how do you combat Great on Paper (GoP) resistance? First and foremost, the most effective counter strategy is to be listening to your body. GoP is a product of the brain. It’s a narrative and rationalization that supports a fear-based resistance. It runs counter to the truth, which you can find in your lived experience when you are able to quiet the mind. The most effective way to do this is through mindfulness meditation. Mindfulness meditation is almost a misnomer, because it seeks to move your attention and locus of control away from your mind, in fact, and puts you directly in touch with the present moment without the interpretive filter of your mind. I have many great resources for deeper study (including guided meditations for meditators old and new alike) on my resources page.

Another effective strategy is to periodically challenge your tried-and-true reflexive statements when you encounter them. This can be done with the help of a friend, coach and/or SO, and involves simple prodding for evidence around statements that feel fairly big and absolute.

“I always”, “I never”, “I love”, “I hate”, “I must”, “I can’t”…

Any of these can be rationalizations that keep you stuck in a place that feels very safe to a primitive part of your wiring, but may no longer be serving you well. Someone close to you and paying attention can help draw your attention to these instances, and you can together think through how true the statement is/remains for you, and where you have evidence in support or even in opposition to the claim. If you find any aberrations, be sure to spend some time in the coming days sitting with it, and listen for the clues in your body – heart rate, tightness or ease in your shoulders, queasiness, etc. You may just find that you have some Great on Paper beliefs that are no longer serving you!

Questions? Reactions? We would love to hear from you in the moderated comment section below ☺ More to come next week! Take care until then!